How To Believe That You Are Enough
Do you have this nagging feeling that you are just not measuring up to expectations? Yeah, I know that I am talking to powerful, gladiator women who have earned their seat at the table or entrepreneurs ruling the game out there, but when the mask is off late at night when no one else is around, I know many feel that no matter how much they do, they’re just not quite cutting it? You may not be able to quite pin down exactly where you are not measuring up or maybe you can. This feeling is becoming much more commonplace everyday, maybe there is just more awareness of it now due to the web and the multiple forms of media now available to us. There is a generic ideal of how the perfect woman should be: smart, educated, fit, spiritual, accomplished, a great cook, an even better mother and the ideal employee or entrepreneur and doing it all without breaking out a sweat. All these things women are expected to do, and all very effortlessly while looking well put together. If you don’t believe this is an expectation anymore, how do we explain in this “modern” time, the never let them see you sweat notion still evident in the most recent births of the royal family? Where the mothers look perfectly well put together and in heels just a few days after giving birth? We are craving authenticity and reality in a society that is still bent towards portraying an image of perfection for women. So no wonder, many women consistently struggle with never feeling enough. According to author and researcher Brene Brown, the feelings of “not being enough” and “who do you think you are,” are two of the fundamental messages of shame. Yet, it is possible to move past those messages to break out of the shame trap.
Living on the other side of shame, and in freedom to be vulnerable and authentic is truly possible. It does take consistent internal work to develop this solid sense of our own fundamental acceptability but it is totally worth the investment to live in this state of mental and emotional freedom. Wouldn’t you agree? Not only that, but letting go of perfectionism allows us to be relatable and to connect more deeply with others, which is the foundation of a rich life, the quality of our relationships especially for us women, as deeply relational creatures. The first relationship that needs to be healed in order for us to come fully into our worthiness is the one with ourselves. Self-acceptance gives us the foundation upon which to truly feel as if we belong and that we are enough regardless of how we look, how we feel, our background or what we have or have not accomplished. Here are 7 things that you can do to heal the relationship that you have with yourself and ultimately begin to finally accept that you are good enough and worthy enough.
1. LOOK FOR EVIDENCE THAT YOU STACK UP
We forget who we are. Who we were born to be. Many of us have stifled our voices and muffled our hearts for such a long time that we have forgotten our glory. In a world bent on trying to pressure you to live up to certain expectations you may have lost touch with who you have been. Lost touch with what you had to get through to make it here, all you have accomplished, what you have overcome. So it’s time to remind ourselves. Take sometime to reflect on all you have accomplished from your earliest memories until now. Do a massive data dump. Nothing is too small or trivial. What obstacles have you overcome? What wins were you able to celebrate? It may have been getting a B in a class that you struggled throughout the year but you finally made it beyond your own imagination. It may have been making your first $30 selling girl scout cookies, it doesn't matter, write it all down. Don’t stop there either, keep the process going over the next 30 days by writing down every single day what you are proud of yourself for doing that day. This is a great exercise because we sometimes only celebrate the big things but if we are doing this exercise daily we will not have big things to celebrate every day so we will need to learn to acknowledge the evidence of our ability to stack up even in seemingly little areas. (I am certain I have recommended this exercise before if you have been following this blog for a while but many out there tend to beat themselves up 365 days a year, so repeating this for another 30 days is still definitely supremely beneficial).
2. LEARN TO LIVE IN YOUR DUALITY
We are complex creatures as human beings. We are full of contradictions. One day we can feel powerful or unstoppable in one area of our lives and another day or in another area we feel totally lacking. We are not either or. We are strong and powerful and sometimes unsure and uncertain. We are a mixture of strength and tenderness, of brilliance and doubt, of might and insecurities. We are not just one thing. One characteristic can never encompass the totality of the mystery of who we are. Accepting and learning to live in duality is one of the most liberating ways of living into our full vulnerable selves. We are a mystery, we are not easily defined and it is all beautiful. We can learn to own our brilliance, our power, our fabulousness while owning the times we feel weak, frustrated and like giving up. We are all of the above, and it is just magnificent to know that all of this is a part of the beautiful journey of who we are becoming.
3. REPRESENTATION MATTERS
Let’s break out of conforming with this exercise. Most of us have a limit in our minds on what we can achieve because of the story we have told ourselves of who we are and who we can be because of it. To be fair we didn't create these stories on our own, most likely they were fed to us from messages in society and in our intimate environments. So, look for a representation of successful people out there who have a similar background, experience or story to you, who have attained some of the things you want to attain for evidence of what is truly possible for you as well. NO, your goal isn’t to copy their lives or live their stories - this exercise is meant to show you that no matter where you begin, you are still the director of what is truly possible for you. You are the creator of your possibilities. Some of the people who inspire me as an example is an African American woman who has been slightly overweight most of her life, never considered as the most attractive, had poor beginnings and now has attained a level of success than most people would have imagined was ever possible for someone like her, yes I am being cliche, but it is true, that woman for me is Oprah Winfrey. There is also Michelle Obama, Lisa Nichols, Gabrielle Union, Usain Bolt, Harry Belafonte, and so many more. What is your list of examples - they don’t have to be celebrities in fact it can be a leader, neighbor, educator, philanthropist or even a parent that you have a lot in common with and that is doing things that deem as important. Seeing ourselves and our stories in others who are playing full out in the world can be a great inspiration to show us what is possible for someone like us and help us break out of self-limiting narratives that we might be living by.
4. OWN YOUR JOURNEY AND RELEASE COMPARISON
In last week’s blog post I talked about the Ancient Greeks concepts of time - Kairos and Chronos. I believe they are also a good framework to think about our own journey and releasing ourselves from the comparison trap that many of us so often fall into. A friend of mine likes to say often don’t compare your beginning with some one else’s middle. I love this exhortation. It’s sobering to remember especially when we are just starting out that other people had to start small just like we have to and had to make small advances as we are seeing the slow progress of our business or careers play out in our own situations. Life isn’t a competition, it is a journey and each of us has our own unique path. The more often we can remember this, the more peace and clarity we can hold on to. Even when others seem to be way ahead of us it is helpful to remember that chronos (or sequential time) isn’t the same as kairos (the opportune or perfect timing). The perfect timing for your best friend getting married at a certain age for example will not be your perfect time. We all have our own path and when we try to short cut or rush it, it never works out. As the old Jamaican expression goes … “short cut draws blood.” I remember my elders saying this to me as a child and there is wisdom in it. Embrace your own beautiful journey and allow others to live theirs. There is no rush, so release the pressure of setting false deadlines. You have your own beautiful, exquisite, and mysterious story slowing unfolding the way that it ought to be unfolding for you.
Come back to read part two of this blog post series next week for more unconventional ways to believe that you are enough. 😊
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