Women’s Use of Low Power Language at Work is Not Diminishing But Very, Very Strategic
Women have often been criticized for not using assertive language at work as a sign of a lack of confidence. This lack of employing powerful language in communication is usually touted as negatively impacting these women’s ability to influence others and display the mysterious “IT Factor” of leadership often referred to as executive presence. What is not often discussed however, is why these supposed diminishing language habits show up in our language in the first place, and why it is so hard to change these language patterns. In this article I assert a different point of view that women use soft language often unconsciously because we have to be savvy in our ability to navigate a complex corporate workplace system that was not created for us nor designed for us to win in. Whether you realize it or not, as a woman in the corporate work setting you use low power language a lot of times, not because you lack confidence but because you have strategically figured out how to be heard in an environment that often penalizes women for communicating with power.
According to research done by Robin Lakoff, a professor of linguistics at the University of California, Berkeley, women are more likely than men to use tentative, indirect, and hedging language. This style of communication is often called “low-power” because it doesn’t assert dominance or authority in the same way that more direct and forceful language might. While this is perhaps true, the bigger question is why. Many senior and C-Suite leaders frequently look at these language patterns and erroneously assume that this is a sign of lack of confidence in women, without looking at the complex social and cultural norms that women need to navigate that penalize them for being assertive. These same women in different contexts including outside of work, or in discussions where they feel psychologically safe suddenly lose the hedging language. They intuitively know based on their own past experience or how they have witnessed other women treated in the workplace, that they need to adjust their style in order to be heard. When we take into consideration the intersectionality of race and gender it further compounds the complexity of the backlash women of color can and do experience when trying to walk the tight rope of displaying authoritative communication as a leader with being seen as personable (aka nice) and approachable.
A black woman for example knows that she is often entering into a context where people will have the preconceived notion that she is angry or overly aggressive, and so she strategically makes intentional effort to smile, use non threatening language in order to subtly assure everyone that she is not confrontational but in fact cooperative. The goal in these situations is to put the other parties at ease, build rapport and establish trust as she is proactively trying to overcome conscious and unconscious biases in interactions. These women may have had well meaning non-minoritized male mentors that have coached them to walk in the room with swagger like they own the place (as one leader told me), speak with power and authority, yet deep down they know that if they take the same approach as their white male mentor, they will not be received in the same way and will often experience negative backlash for being perceived as angry, difficult, or uncooperative. In other words, they know that their peers/leaders are not ready for THEIR swag!
If you are a woman of any background in the corporate space, you already know that it is really exhausting to have to navigate conflicting advise and expectations in order to be successful in the workplace, which is why women overall, in particular black women are leaving the corporate world in droves to start their own businesses because no matter how hard they try, it feels insurmountable to overcome these biases in order to advance professionally. Black women, Asian women, Hispanic women and White women can be penalized for being too assertive in their communication as it does not align with stereotypes and expectations of their gender and culture.
Asian women are often seen as good workers, quiet, nice and passive but not viewed as having great leadership potential. Author Jane Hyun coined the view of being a worker bee rather than a leader through the term “bamboo ceiling,” in her 2005 book, Breaking the Bamboo Ceiling: Career Strategies for Asians . When Asian women therefore step up to use more assertive language, they often experience bias and all of a sudden viewed as hard to get along with, bossy, too task focused, and difficult. In one financial services organization that I worked in, I had a meeting with a Korean American female leader and I was pre-warned that she was real “witchy” so I need to make sure that I had all supporting evidence for any claims that I was making. When I finally met with her, she was no nonsense, direct, and challenged every assertion I made, but after a while the push back stopped, I assume this was after she felt comfortable that I did my homework. I left that meeting thinking to myself that I didn’t observe any difference between the discussion I had with her and any of the white male leaders I had in that organization. I expected to have all my supporting material in any discussion I was leading and ready to back up all my claims, and at the time I couldn’t help wondering if her race and gender played a factor in how she was viewed. At this early stage in my career, I didn’t have the level of insight to give words to the bias I witnessed, but it was another example of just how difficult it was for a woman of color to walk this tight rope to get executive level communication just right as we manage cultural and gender bias.
If you have ever been told that you need to be more assertive in your communication style in order to be impactful, you are being encouraged to use a particular style to be more influential. Here is the thing, there are many different ways to influence toward an outcome, but in the in the corporate world, especially in the US, we tend to over index on one style which is the extroverted dominant norm typical of many non-minoritized male leaders. Depending on the audience and the context, however, other styles maybe more effective. The best influencers know how to flex their style to appeal to the audience at hand, and are strategic about how they will deploy their communication to align with this plan. If you have ever seen a leader just use their positional authority to push for an outcome, and it fell flat because they did not take the time to bring others along by getting buy-in, you know what I mean. The truth is, walking in wielding your authority through very direct language may not be the most effective way to get the outcome you want, and if you use this style in every situation without reading the room, you may fail to be as influential as you need to be at work. In order to help you be strategic in how you communicate rather than shrink back in fear, read the bullets below on when you could decide to use less powerful language to your advantage.
Strategic motives for not using power language
You are building trust and rapport as someone new in your role or new to the organization
You have a more senior title than the person you are interacting with and want to provide psychological safety for them
You strategically decide to remain quiet to assess the parties before you show your hand
You are utilizing other influencing styles beyond power (such as being inspirational, negotiating, bridging or rationalizing) that you know will be more effective in helping you drive to an outcome.
On the other hand, there are legitimate times when you as a woman in leadership should be communicating with power, but due to fear or social conditioning you play small in your communication style as a result of a lack of confidence or internalized oppression. Here are some common signs of when you are shrinking back rather than stepping up to the opportunity of utilizing powerful communication.
Signs you are shrinking from using power language:
False humility: shrinking or hiding your brilliance so that you don’t intimidate or offend others
Wanting to be liked so you resort to people pleasing rather than owning your voice
Perfectionism: fear of saying the wrong thing, so you say nothing
Uncomfortable owning your power: There are 5 ways to influence according to this HBR article, no way is better than the other, but the most effective influencers will need to lean into every style at some point. If the power style is the most challenging one for you, it is even more reason to stretch yourself and practice using this style so that you can expand your range of influence.
Whether it is socialization, working in a hostile environment, a lack of communication skills, or internalized oppression that has gotten in the way of your ability to use your communication skills to influence effectively in a professional environment, I hope that this article has helped you to identify the root cause so that you can take your professional effectiveness to the next level. You don’t have to wait for someone to give you permission to step up and use your voice. You can take the first step today to discover your authentic voice and then own it.
Learn to speak with authority, confidence, and credibility in order to gain the respect and results that you deserve by downloading the free cheat sheet, Savvy Alternatives To Apologizing & Other Low Power Language Cheat Sheet (Download here)
When you download the communication cheat sheet above, you will also be notified when my upcoming book “Own Your Power: How Savvy Women Get Promoted, Get Paid & Find Fulfillment in Work & Life” is released!
Until then, Own Your Power.