Female Leadership: Give Yourself A Break, Even The Boy's Club Still Don't Have It Right
Women are exhausted from hearing all the reasons they should be more like men in order to be successful including masculine ideals of what confidence looks like. In our quest to encourage women to lean in, we have inadvertently idealized masculine leadership traits and its alleged effectiveness assuming that this is the style of leadership we should all aspire to. The reality is that there are strengths and opportunities associated with these leadership traits as there are with feminine leadership traits, and we need to adapt a more balanced view while encouraging women to cultivate and develop their own authentic leadership styles with confidence in what they uniquely bring to the table.
In a previous blog I wrote about mindset shifts that women need to make in order to let go of perfectionism since it is an unrealitistic standard that cannot be attained and sets us up for failure. In the same vain trying to change who we are and what we bring to the table to adapt a style that society has deemed as the “standard,” is an expectation that we must challenge starting internally. This is not an attempt to demonize male leadership traits as there are clear benefits associated with it but it is an effort to remove the uncontested “idealism” associated with the traits and adapt a more realistic view. This more realistic view can encourage women to own the strengths that they naturally bring to the table along with potential risks so that they can emerge as leaders from a place of personal power rather than trying to emulate a prototype standard that they are expected to twist, squeeze and force fit themselves into. This realistic vs idealistic view of male leadership traits will allow us as women to give ourselves (and each other) some grace when we make a mistake because the truth is that men have been leading for centuries and still haven’t figured it out! So let’s release ourselves from unattainable, unrealistic, non existent “perfect” standards and just start embracing and discovering our leadership style, now.
4 Perspectives To Help Women Break Out Of Buying Into Male Leadership Idealism
1. If you are not good enough, who is?
When you say I am not good enough, you’re implying that someone else is more worthy than you. Ask yourself, why you think that you are not good enough or why do you believe you are not ready for the position that you are interested in? Could you be assessing yourself against the male leadership ideal? What data or facts are contributing to this belief? Are there people who are currently doing similar roles that you aspire to? What is their experience level compared to yours? What about the outcomes that they have produced? How do these compare with your experience levels and outcomes? Sometimes we have an over estimated view of someone else’s readiness or effectiveness while minimizing ours. Ask yourself the questions above to help achieve a realistic perspective of your actual readiness. If there is a huge gap, what actions can you take to bridge the gap? We have enough external obstacles and barriers to overcome so we don’t need limiting beliefs such as “not enough” added to our list of obstacles.
2. Own Your Perspective Unapologetically
I won’t get into how women unnecessarily apologize, enough articles have been written about this. Know that, sometimes you have to just unapologetically stand in the truth of your convictions based on data and evidence and be ferocious about it. Yet, be humble enough when new evidence presents itself to say ok I was wrong, I based my decisions on the data that I had previously but now that new evidence has presented itself I changed my mind and that’s ok. Laszlo Bock, former SVP of Google’s People Operations refers to this as having a big ego and a small ego at the same time, check out this article for more details.
3. Stop waiting to be validated or agreed with (the squad isn’t coming!)
Release yourself from the need to have the cheerleading squad in your corner, if you are going to be a trailblazer and launch out into unchartered territory you cannot wait for people's approval. They may not resonate with the validity of your vision. Look, the vision is yours not theirs, so own it! This constant seeking of agreement from others will always limit your potential and will keep you stuck in the box of other people's expectations. The path to getting unstuck is to get aligned with what it is that you desire, that is, to be purpose driven and to move forward without waiting for others to celebrate your ideas. If we are mostly focused on everyone else’s opinion, it is a sign that we have lost our grounding in our mission. Be clear and grounded in purpose, have a clear vision of the outcomes you are driving, the “big why”, then you will begin to care less about what the critics have to say.
4. If you don’t feel confident it’s completely normal
If you don’t feel super confident all the time, don’t stress too much about it, it is completely normal. Even guys struggle with lack of confidence and imposter syndrome feelings. The difference for women is that our lack of confidence shows up in a way that is disproportionately talked about and therefore perhaps more recognizable (such as hedging, apologizing, not speaking up) , but men also struggle with these feelings (may show up as lashing out or other aggressive behaviors, being defensive, or unable to apologize for wrongs). Women are criticized for being too nice, and perhaps that is fair, but I don’t think we talk enough about how harsh, some male leaders can be, we normally just celebrate those traits as great leadership. Why? This should not go unquestioned. The point here is to realize that you are not the only one that struggles with feelings of inadequacy and this hopefully helps you to relax about it a little realizing that it takes effort, some time and work to get there build up self-confidence.
One of my favorite quotes on confidence and belonging is from John Rice CEO of Management Leadership for Tomorrow, he says that “When you have a genuine confidence that you belong, you’re not afraid to ask for help; you’re comfortable taking risks. Most people, when they’re one of very few, have to develop that genuine confidence, and it takes some time and mental energy.” Developing genuine confidence does take some work ladies, but it is possible. Women in leadership still are one of the very few and there are many existing barriers to our advancement which includes conscious and unconscious gender bias, lack of access to informal and formal networks of power and influence, which contribute to our feeling as if we are not welcomed or belong in these positions. This is the reality that we are now living in, but we ARE marching towards positive change, Yes! In the meantime, let’s control what we can and shift our mindset to perspectives that will serve our ambitions and empower us to breakthrough our own internal glass ceiling.
Powerful Coaching Question For Reflection/Journaling:
Which of the four perspectives is most helpful to release yourself from trying to fit into a leadership ideal that doesn’t resonate with you?
Celebrate who you are now: Name one powerful leadership quality that you inherently have? This website has a great list of leadership traits if you need a reference list.
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