Secret Strategies Powerful Women Use To Overcome Perfectionism and Build Courage
**Want to know how many of these perfectionist habits are killing your success? Take this Quiz or click on picture below
Reshma Saujani, the founder of Girls Who Code (an organization with a mission to close the gender gap in technology), delivered an amazing Tedtalk in which she talks about the fact that women are socialized for perfection, which causes us to take fewer risks in our careers.
The implications of perfectionism are profound, far-reaching and even detrimental to personal and professional growth. In women, the perfectionism behavior makes us overly cautious, hesitant to make daring moves until we are certain of achieving success. The negative effect of this behavior is well documented by a Hewlett Packard internal report on job application statistics of women versus men. The report noted that women are more likely to wait until they meet 100% of the qualifications of a role before applying (while men are willing to apply if they meet only 60%).
The problem with perfectionism is that it causes people to set excessively high standards that are extremely difficult to attain, which holds them in a prison of paralysis due to a desire to do everything perfectly without error. The effects of perfectionism include; critical self-evaluations and an often obsessive level of fear about what others will think. This hinders us from stepping up to take on new challenges.
(Check out this youtube video on how women can stop holding themselves back at work due to fear.
Excellence vs. Perfection
There is nothing wrong with having high standards, this is the noble goal of working towards excellence. However, having unrealistic expectations is perfection, and it sets you up for failure since it’s completely unattainable. There is no quicker way to destroy one’s credibility than not knowing your stuff down cold. Therefore, preparing thoroughly is extremely important to being an effective professional. Excellence is a process focused on consistent improvement & growth, but perfectionism is a destination which is like trying to catch the wind because the location keeps changing so you never actually arrive.
According to Marc Winn, perfectionism is image focused on “doing the thing right.” That is, it’s centered on how things appear and if OTHERS think it’s done correctly. Excellence is about doing the right thing. Excellence is strategic and goes beyond the surface level superficial thinking. It is focused on the reason for a task and the RESULTS required for the endeavor to be a success.
Perfectionism steals time, drains energy, causes self-criticism, which gives rise to a counter-productive phenomenon known as the inner critic. You begin to think that whatever you do is never good enough (learn more about the inner critic, here). In addition, you start believing that you are not good enough, and your identity and the quality of your work are completely intertwined. In contrast, excellence focuses on what matters and fills you with energy, creativity, and solution-oriented possibilities.
You see, excellence is not a skill but an attitude that stems from the core of your identity that has been established by repeated actions. Aristotle rightly described the process of excellence in his quote “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.” If you develop the attitude of excellence, you will not be driven by the fear and anxiety of perfectionism, rather you will be pulled by a vision greater than yourself. This will cause you to create value that Seth Godin (American author and former dot-com business executive) says makes you a Linchpin. He describes Linchpins as “indispensable” because they are figuring out what to do next rather than waiting to be told what to do or being the busy-bee executing as expected. If you want to be what he describes as an artist regardless of what you do, that is, someone who uses bravery, insight, creativity, and boldness to challenge the status quo, create change and make an impact then you will need to let go of perfectionism.
So how do you begin to unhook from the self-defeating paralysis of perfectionism?
Here are some ideas that will show you how to stop being a perfectionist:
Overcoming Perfectionism
1) Start with realistic expectations that stretch you but don’t crush you
If you aim at perfection in everything, you will achieve nothing. When you set excessively high-performance standards, and focus on trying to attain the unattainable, this results in overwhelm and despair, which wastes time, as well as physical, mental and emotional energy. This lost energy could be focused on doing the innovative and transformational work that will get you recognized as a thought leader. Although it is critical to develop skills, build expertise and practice effective techniques, there comes a time that you just have to go for it!
2) Move forward while silencing the inner critic that sabotages progress & growth
The perfectionist is overly critical with their self-evaluations and concerns regarding what other people think. By listening to the critical voices in our head, we risk silencing and crushing our unique resourceful voice, our perspectives that bring immense value and differentiated talent that make us indispensable. The voice of the inner critic prevents us from unleashing this inner genius, and it is essential to manage it in order to crush perfectionism (To learn practical strategies for overcoming your inner critic click read more).
3) Finish your work without over-identifying with it
When we over-identify with our work, we run the risk of believing that our worth and value is based on how well we produce, or on how others assess the quality of our work. Perfectionism can lead to a cycle of shame, something that women in particular are subject to. The research professor (who has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy), regular TEDx speaker, Brene Brown refers to shame as the most powerful master emotion. It is rooted in the fear that we are not good enough. This emotion leads to playing it safe and putting off letting the world see our work because it’s better to wait until it’s perfect than face possible failure & rejection. However, the problem is that it is never perfect enough or we delay it so long to the point that we miss the opportunity (often to someone else who was brave enough to act or speak first).
When things are going well, a perfectionist feels like they are valuable and important, but if it does not go perfectly, then their sense of self-esteem goes down the drain. Breaking out of this soul-crushing cycle starts by believing that as much as you want your work to be accepted, you are still of value no matter what the response is. Understand the truth that if people love your work, you are worthy of love, admiration, and respect, and if they don’t love your work, you are still worthy of love and respect, and admiration. Their response is not an indictment on who you are as an individual, it is merely emotionless data on whether or not the work met their expectations. We need to learn to take people’s impression of our work as information on what we will decide to do or not do to meet expectations. Hopefully, as we all practice excellence and bravery rather than perfectionism; we will learn how to break out of our self-imposed limitations to feel more confident to share our unique ideas and critiques more often and unapologetically. I hope that you will be less afraid of criticism knowing that other people’s opinion does not define who we are and it only has the power over us that we give to it. Finally, I hope that you will begin to prioritize taking care of yourself by resting more and engaging in therapeutic activities that will help you relax and avoid working to the point of burn out.
Remember, you are not only good enough, but you are a brilliant light … so, let it shine!
Powerful coaching questions:
1. What would be possible if you let go of perfectionism and took more risks?
2. What’s one action that you will take today to make that possibility a reality?
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