How To Confidently Own Your Voice (Part 1 of 3)

Over the years of working with brilliant women, I have noticed a common challenge of women hesitating to speak up and offering their input, opinion and perspective, and consequently not reflecting the contribution and impact they are fully equipped to make. This leaves us feeling frustrated when we are inevitably left behind because we are not viewed as leadership material or the next rising star which, from my observation, is usually the furthest thing from the truth. In this three part blog series we will look at some of the reasons we don’t own our voice and what we can do to start using it in a powerful and impactful way so that we can advance our careers beyond the limits we may currently be facing. Watch the Youtube video associated with this post.

**Learn to speak with authority, confidence and credibility in order to gain the respect and results that you deserve by downloading the free cheat sheet, Savvy Alternatives To Apologizing & Other Low Power Language Cheat Sheet (Download here).

The Reasons We Don’t Own Our Voice

1. How we were raised

How we were raised and the messages given to us through our parents, family and society gave us an internal blueprint of how we were supposed to be in the world. Maybe parents told us that little girls only spoke when they were spoken to or children were to remain quiet when adults were speaking. This narrative may have been well intentioned with a goal of teaching us, for example, the value of respecting others in particular our elders. Respect and honoring others is truly an important value, the challenge is if it came at the expense of pushing down our feelings and ignoring our own perspective, it is a high price to pay that we continue paying well into our adulthood when we find ourselves unsuccessfully trying to discard of the well ingrained habit of being the nice little girl who doesn’t ruffle feathers. In the process of learning to respect others we also unfortunately learned how to dishonor ourselves by repressing our own voices.

2. Fear of rejection

As humans we have a fundamental desire to belong and to be accepted. We are built to be in community and relationship. This is an important need that if honored will give us an enriching life. The challenge is that many of us think that in order to be loved and accepted we need to conform. Meaning, we need to think the same way, have the same opinions and not be any different from the people around us. While this is true for many, the kind of people that I want in my life are the ones who are open enough to respect differences in perspective without being threatened by that difference. We need to learn to have the courage to brave the wilderness as Brene Brown says, we learn to belong so fully to ourselves that we are willing to stand alone. Wilderness aka standing alone is “an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can't control it, or what people think about our choice … But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.” When we are brave enough to be willing to stand alone, honor our perspective and validate ourselves we begin to be liberated from the chains of fear and begin to live free to be our true divine selves.

3. Cultural norms

Very closely related to point number one on how we were raised, the culture in which we are raised gives us subtle and not so subtle messages about who we should be, how we should show up and how we should act. Gender norms of being the nice cooperative girl, rather than an intelligent and vocal grown adult woman continue to influence how we interact with others and whether or not we choose to truly own our voice. Depending on the region of the world you are from, Asia, Africa, Middle East, Americas, Europe, etc. the cultural norms will vary especially as it relates to the expectation of how women show up in that society. What I challenge you to do is not to just accept those norms that dictate how you should act, but to reflect upon them and their influence of who you are today and make a conscious choice followed by definitive action on who you decide to be and how you decide to behave in the face of those norms.

4. Not wanting to be the center of attention

A lot of times we don’t speak up because we are afraid of being the center of attention. We prefer to hide in the background and not be seen because we are afraid of the responsibility that comes with being seen or the criticism that may come from it. The responsibility of being in the lime light can feel intense because people will see us our strengths but also our flaws. Maybe we are afraid of living up to the expectation of others and not wanting to disappoint them when they find out who we truly are (imposter syndrome). Or if we did something amazing being afraid that we won’t be able to duplicate that result. Also, there is criticism that comes with being in the spotlight as others will disagree with our perspective or they may think we are “doing the most,” so they criticize, judge, mock, ridicule. All these risks make us want to hide in the background. We don’t have control over what people will say when we capture attention but I believe the potential impact of you using your voice for good in the world is well worth the risks that come with it. Never loose sight of your why by utilizing the confidence cure and you will have enough courage to stand in the face of any adversity that comes your way because you know your purpose is more powerful than the pain.

5. Wanting to avoid conflict or backlash from speaking up (double-bind)

When we dare to step outside the box play bigger than we have in the world not everyone will like it. There will be backlash that comes from presenting a differing perspective. This happens to everyone who is doing great work to make an impact bigger than themselves. The faster we know and accept that is the better it is for those of us to focus on how to develop resilience and determination to keep going despite the challenges, maybe even use opposition as the force to fuel our tenacity. We will have bias that we will deal with, it isn’t ideal but it is reality. Women in the workplace frequently experience the double-bind syndrome. We are told we are too quiet and not vocal enough and may even be called the dreaded wall flower but then called the b word when we do find our power and own our voice. There maybe negative reaction to your finding and using your voice but know that people’s discomfort with your owning your power has nothing to do with who you are meant to be so don’t worry so much about it. Determine who you want to be, the impact you want to make and push forward to create that reality in your life and in the lives of those who need to hear your voice.

Now, Find The Courage To Begin Practicing Owning Our Voice

1. You have earned the right to be in the room so speak up

If you are in the room, you have been invited for a reason. It means you probably worked hard and Leaned In to borrow the language of Sheryl Sandberg. It also means you have earned the right to be there, and you were invited because people want to hear what you have to say, to hear your unique perspective and for you to make your contribution. Your full authentic self might be everything that is needed to shake up the status quo and push for change and to drive innovation. So don't waste the opportunity granted to you because you are struggling with self-doubt. Recognize that you deserve your seat at the table just as everyone else in the room does and take full advantage of the privilege and opportunity that is right in front of you.

2. Understand the value you bring

Now that you recognize that you have earned your seat at the table, and therefore need to step up to use your voice to share your perspective. It is important to understand what value you bring. Make a list of what you think are your strengths and ask people that you trust for some feedback without prompting them with the list that you made. There are many ways to solicit feedback on your strengths and impact including conducting a 360 but the simplest and quickest way is to just ask 8 to 15 people that you interact with professionally what are the top 5 words that come to mind when they think of your strengths. Ask for words or phrases so that it is quick and can be completed in less than 5 minutes. You will undoubtedly see themes from the feedback and will have a clear picture of the value that you bring or how others experience your contribution. This activity will bring you a level of self-awareness on why your contribution is valued from your organization and then you can do some work to not only own these strengths but to build upon them if you want to.

3. Change how you measure success

When we are building a new skill such as learning how to use our voice it is important to think very clearly about how we measure success. The first time I ran a half marathon for example, my goal was just to finish. It didn’t matter the amount of time it took, the goal was just to get across the line but the 5th time I participated in one my goal changed because now I had already built up competence in running the race and I aimed to finish the half marathon in less than two hours. It is the same way when we are building the competence in speaking. We will not do it perfectly at first so we have to allow ourselves to be clumsy and take small steps until we master the skill. So when I am first coaching women to own their voice and speak up the goal isn’t to convince the whole room on their perspective in a heated debate, no the measure of success is to just speak. If you are usually silent in a meeting and it’s a challenge to say anything at all and you push yourself to share your perspective once or twice in a meeting, then celebrate. That’s a win. Once you have mastered these small steps then you can move on to more advanced measurements of success. Don’t succumb to perfectionism and allow yourself to be therefore stuck in not taking action.

4. Speak up first

I shared this tip in the The Confident Introvert blog and it is so powerfully effective that it is worth repeating!

A powerful hack to push yourself to be more vocal in meetings is to be one of the first to speak so that you can get it out of the way quickly and set the tone for your participating throughout. If you wait until the very end to speak, as many who are nervous do, you may end up stressing out about it until the very end of the discussion and more than likely never say anything. I have found that if you take the leap earlier on you are less apprehensive since you have eliminated the waiting. Additionally, do some advance work prior to the meeting by preparing two to three points that you want to make.

SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BLOG

If you found this post helpful, I want you to do a couple of things:

1. A lack of confidence is a big reason people don’t own their voice, this 10 Confidence Building Habits That You Can Implement now guide will help you fix that. Download here.

2. Get the free cheat sheet, Savvy Alternatives To Apologizing & Other Low Power Language Cheat Sheet (Download here) to learn to communicate with more power and influence.

3. Follow me on Linkedin or instagram for more frequent updates.

4. Subscribe to my Youtube Channel for more strategies on how to get confident, get promoted, get paid and get hired as a high potential woman in corporate

5. Watch this free in depth training on how to Advance In Your Career Confidently, it’s not too late for you to get to the C-Suite.